On the night of June 4th, 2021, I found myself in jail, facing financial devastation, ashamed, embarrassed and a shell of the person that I used to be. This would be his last desperate attempt to control and manipulate me into staying married to him.

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As a little girl, I helplessly watched my mother move from one abusive relationship to the next. I knew better. Despite my humble beginnings from the trailer park, I overcame so much. I grew into an accomplished woman, a successful woman. After experiencing what my mother went through all those years ago, how could I allow this to happen to me?! How could I not see the signs?! These were the questions that shook me to my core and that I would ask myself over and over again. 

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With nowhere to run and nothing to distract my mind but my own thoughts, I sat in jail for the next four days faced with only myself, recounting all of my life choices and experiences that had led me to sharing a jail cell with three other women. Women that I, admittedly and shamefully, would not have spoken to in the outside world, let alone share my inner most thoughts and fears with showed me compassion and kindness. They would breathe life back into me over those next four days. This would be an awakening for me. The beginning of reconciling so much of what I thought that I had long since buried.

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I shared parts of this healing journey with others through social media. People wanted to know how this could happen to someone like me, a successful then 48-year-old woman who seemingly had it all. Some wanted to know because it was juicy, some wanted to know because they didn’t want it to happen to them, some wanted to know because they are still living a life in shame and fear, but with a smile hoping no one notices the truth. These people finally felt seen for the first time in a long time.

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This was also the moment that I discovered the motherfucking fire #MFF, finally standing up for myself letting go of any shame that I carried.  It was in that moment too that I realized, I wasn't alone. Other women sent me private messages and told me they were the mother f*cking fire too. Soon, there grew to be a wildfire of other women. Women, just like me, who drew strength by me talking about my own experience gave them courage to finally talk about theirs, some women who had their own mug shots, women who were held down by shame, shame that didn't belong to them either and they were tired of carrying it. 

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My hope is to continue to talk about what shames us, accept it with grace and compassion to bring peace, closure and freedom once and for all. Because once we are truly free from it, we can turn those very same vulnerabilities into our superpower. You are in control of it now and that is the real empowerment.

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#MFF

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